Relationships can bring out some of our strongest emotions. I provide individual relationship counselling in Newtown, Sydney for people wanting to understand relationship patterns, recover after betrayal, improve boundaries, navigate intimacy or work out what they genuinely want from a relationship.

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​Working on relationship difficulties individually

A lot of relationship work happens most effectively one-to-one.

You may want therapy because:

• your partner does not want to attend counselling

• you want space to think without your partner present

• you are unsure whether you want to remain in the relationship

• you are recovering after betrayal or infidelity

• you keep finding yourself in similar relationship patterns

• you struggle with trust, jealousy or reassurance

• you find boundaries difficult

• you become very anxious when relationships feel uncertain

• you tend to lose yourself in relationships

• you repeatedly choose emotionally unavailable partners

• you struggle with intimacy or vulnerability

• you are dealing with a breakup or separation

• you feel responsible for keeping the relationship together

• you are trying to understand what is yours to work on and what belongs to the other person

Individual therapy can give you space to understand the relationship without needing to manage your partner’s reactions at the same time.

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Understanding recurring relationship patterns

Sometimes the current relationship is only part of the story.

You may notice patterns such as:

• repeatedly fearing abandonment

• becoming highly alert to changes in your partner’s mood

• needing reassurance but never quite feeling reassured

• withdrawing when things become emotionally intense

• finding conflict unbearable

• staying quiet until resentment builds

• people-pleasing

• feeling responsible for another person’s emotions

• becoming attracted to emotionally unavailable people

• struggling to trust even when there is no immediate evidence of danger

• feeling that you are “too much” or “not enough”

• remaining in relationships that do not meet your needs

Therapy can help make these patterns more understandable.

The aim is not to blame childhood, diagnose your partner or decide that every difficulty comes from attachment.

It is to become more aware of the patterns you bring into relationships, how they developed and whether they are still serving you.

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Betrayal, infidelity and loss of trust

Relationship betrayal can be deeply destabilising.

You may find yourself repeatedly replaying what happened, checking for more information, comparing yourself with other people, questioning your judgement or struggling to reconcile the person you thought you knew with what has happened.

Common reactions can include anger, anxiety, shame, intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, grief and an intense need to understand exactly why it happened.

You may also find yourself asking:

“How could I not have known?”

“Was any of it real?”

“Am I enough?”

“Can I ever trust them again?”

“Should I stay?”

“Am I foolish if I forgive them?”

Therapy gives you somewhere to process those questions without being pushed towards either reconciliation or separation.

The goal is not to make you forgive.

It is not to convince you to leave.

It is to help you understand what has happened, reduce the emotional overwhelm and make decisions that feel more grounded in your own values and needs.

Where particular memories or triggers remain intensely distressing, EMDR therapy may also be appropriate.

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Relationship uncertainty - should I stay or leave?

Some of the hardest relationship work happens when there is no obvious answer.

You may still love someone while also knowing that something is not working.

You may feel torn between:

• loyalty and self-protection

• love and resentment

• hope and exhaustion

• what the relationship has been and what it is now

• what you want and what you think you “should” want

Therapy can help you think more clearly without somebody else making the decision for you.

We can explore what is keeping you in the relationship, what is making you consider leaving, what would genuinely need to change, and whether those changes appear realistic.

You do not need to arrive in therapy already knowing what you want.

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Attachment, reassurance and fear of rejection

For some people, relationships can activate intense anxiety.

A delayed message, change in tone, disagreement or sense of distance can quickly become:

“They’re pulling away.”

“I’ve done something wrong.”

“They don’t really want me.”

Other people respond to closeness in the opposite direction and begin to withdraw when relationships feel too emotionally intense.

Neither pattern automatically means something is wrong with you.

They often make more sense when we understand previous relationships, attachment experiences, self-esteem and the strategies you have learned to use when you feel emotionally vulnerable.

Therapy can help you develop greater awareness of these patterns without reducing every relationship difficulty to an attachment label.

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Boundaries, people-pleasing and losing yourself in relationships

Some people are extremely good at understanding what everybody else needs.

The difficulty is knowing what they need themselves.

You may:

• avoid saying no

• feel guilty when setting boundaries

• tolerate behaviour that hurts you

• worry that expressing your needs will make somebody leave

• become responsible for fixing your partner’s emotions

• compromise until you no longer recognise what you originally wanted

• struggle to distinguish being caring from over-functioning

Relationship therapy can help you explore how to remain loving and connected without abandoning yourself.

Good boundaries do not have to mean becoming cold, rigid or selfish.

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Jealousy, comparison and insecurity

Jealousy is not always irrational.

Sometimes there are genuine relationship circumstances that make somebody feel unsafe.

At other times, old wounds, self-esteem difficulties or fear of abandonment can intensify how situations are experienced.

Therapy can help distinguish:

What is actually happening?

from

What am I afraid might happen?

We can explore the underlying beliefs driving jealousy and comparison while still taking the reality of the relationship seriously.

The goal is not to simply teach you to tolerate behaviour that conflicts with your values.

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Sex, intimacy and emotional connection

Relationship difficulties often appear through sex and intimacy.

You may struggle with:

• different levels of sexual desire

• sexual rejection

• feeling unwanted

• needing emotional connection before sexual connection

• performance anxiety

• shame

• differing sexual interests

• pornography

• intimacy after betrayal

• monogamy or non-monogamy

• sexual boundaries

• using sex for reassurance or validation

• feeling pressure to be more sexually open than feels comfortable

Therapy should not assume there is one correct way to structure a relationship or sex life.

Instead, we can explore what genuinely works for you, what your values are and where you may be overriding yourself in order to keep somebody else happy.

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Gay men and LGBTQIA+ relationship issues

A significant part of my work is with gay men and LGBTQIA+ clients.

Relationship difficulties can sometimes intersect with experiences that are particularly relevant within LGBTQIA+ communities, including:

• coming out and identity

• minority stress

• body-image and comparison

• sexualised social environments

• expectations around monogamy or openness

• differing relationships with gay culture

• intimacy and sexual boundaries

• chemsex or substance use

• validation through sex or attention

• shame

• family acceptance

• loneliness and belonging

These issues can be explored openly and without assuming that heterosexual relationship norms are automatically the goal.

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ADHD and neurodivergence in relationships

ADHD and other forms of neurodivergence can influence relationships in ways that are easily misinterpreted.

Difficulties with attention, emotional regulation, organisation, impulsivity, overwhelm or follow-through can sometimes become interpreted as:

“You don’t care.”

or

“Nothing I do is ever good enough.”

Individual therapy can help you understand your own patterns, communicate more clearly and distinguish genuine incompatibility from difficulties that might be more manageable with understanding and different strategies.

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When relationships involve drugs, alcohol or chemsex

Substance use can sometimes become closely connected with relationship difficulties.

You may be dealing with:

• broken agreements

• unpredictability

• secrecy

• conflict after substance use

• risky sexual behaviour

• difficulty trusting what happened

• repeated promises to change

• chemsex

• questions about whether somebody’s substance use has become a serious problem

Therapy can help you think about what you can and cannot control.

You cannot force somebody else to change their substance use.

You can work on your boundaries, your safety, your responses and what you are prepared to remain part of.

Where specialist alcohol and other drug treatment is needed, additional services may also be appropriate.

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My approach to relationship counselling

My approach is integrative rather than based on one single model.

Depending on what is happening for you, therapy may draw upon:

• Schema Therapy

• Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT)

• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

• psychodynamic psychotherapy

• Narrative Therapy

• Solution-Focused Therapy

• attachment-informed thinking

• trauma-informed approaches

• EMDR where appropriate

My professional development has also included training focused specifically on relationships, attachment, relationship repair, conflict cycles, working with wounded relationships and research-informed approaches to interpersonal difficulties.

Even though I now work with relationship issues individually rather than providing conjoint couples therapy, this relationship-focused training continues to inform how I understand patterns, conflict, attachment and repair.

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Why individual relationship therapy can be useful

Working individually gives us the freedom to focus entirely on your experience.

You can explore thoughts or feelings you may not yet feel ready to say to your partner.

We can look honestly at both:

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what the other person is doing

and

what you may be contributing to the pattern

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without requiring every session to become a negotiation between two people.

This can be particularly useful when you are uncertain about the relationship or when your partner is not interested in counselling.

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About your therapist

I’m Christopher James, a PACFA Registered Clinical Counsellor & Psychotherapist based in Newtown, Sydney.

I have more than 10 years’ experience providing psychotherapy and work particularly with adults experiencing:

• relationship difficulties

• betrayal and infidelity

• trauma

• ADHD and neurodivergence

• anxiety

• grief and loss

• depression

• shame and low self-esteem

• LGBTQIA+ concerns

• intimacy and sexual wellbeing

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My style is warm, collaborative and conversational while remaining professionally grounded.

I don’t believe therapy should tell you how your relationship ought to look.

The aim is to help you understand yourself more clearly and make decisions that are genuinely yours.

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Frequently Asked Questions

 

Do I need my partner to attend?

No.

I work specifically with individuals for relationship issues.

You attend on your own and the therapy focuses on your experiences, patterns, choices and wellbeing.

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Do you offer couples counselling?

I currently focus on individual psychotherapy and do not offer conjoint couples counselling.

If you are specifically looking for therapy where both partners attend together, I can suggest seeking a therapist whose practice specialises in couples work.

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Can you tell me whether I should leave my relationship?

No therapist can responsibly make that decision for you.

What we can do is explore what is happening, what you need, what has and has not changed, what your boundaries are and what each possible path may mean for you.

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Can you help after infidelity?

Yes.

Betrayal and infidelity are areas I regularly work with individually.

Therapy may involve processing what happened, managing triggers, rebuilding your sense of self, understanding what you need from your partner and deciding whether trust can realistically be rebuilt.

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Can you help if I want to stay in the relationship?

Yes.

Individual therapy does not assume that leaving is the healthiest response.

We can work on how you respond, communicate, set boundaries and understand your own relationship patterns while you decide what you want.

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What if my relationship is open or non-monogamous?

You are welcome to discuss this without judgement.

Therapy will not automatically assume monogamy is healthier, nor that non-monogamy is right for you simply because it works for other people.

We can explore whether the relationship structure genuinely works for you, including issues around boundaries, jealousy, attachment, sexual health, trust, communication and emotional safety.

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What if there is emotional abuse or coercive behaviour?

Your safety matters.

Where there are concerns about coercive control, violence, threats or abuse, therapy may need to focus first on safety and appropriate specialist support rather than simply trying to improve communication.

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How much does relationship counselling cost?

Relationship counselling is provided as an individual psychotherapy session.

Standard 50-minute session: $200

Your first individual session includes an additional 15 minutes at no extra cost, giving us more time to understand what has brought you to therapy.

Limited after-hours appointments are $230.

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Do I need a GP referral?

No.

You can contact me directly.

This is a private psychotherapy practice and Medicare rebates are not available.

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Relationship counselling in Newtown, Sydney

I offer in-person sessions from my private therapy space in Newtown in Sydney’s Inner West, as well as online sessions across Australia.

If relationship difficulties are taking up a significant amount of your emotional energy, you are welcome to contact me to discuss whether working together might be helpful.

You do not need your partner’s agreement to begin understanding what is happening for you.

In person: Newtown, Inner West Sydney
Online: Available across Australia
Standard session: $200 / 50 minutes
First session: 65 minutes for the standard $200 fee

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